When I was searching and longing for answers and a permanent resting place, I did believe that there was a need for practice. I did meditate intensely for a while and I did various energetic healing practices and therapy. At the time I did feel that I was getting some benefit from it. I did feel that I was seeing through more of ‘my stuff’. Old beliefs and assumptions were revealed for what they were and seen through. I had many amazing insights into the nature of life and reality. Layers of pain and fear were uncovered and examined. There was more and more letting go. Sitting still and just witnessing the crazy rantings of thought without reacting to try to satisfy them became a fascinating practice. I also had many, what you might call, ‘spiritual experiences’ or ‘glimpses’, which opened my mind to another perspective on my little self-absorbed life.
I was never interested in any lofty goal such as enlightenment. I just had a deep sense of longing and a mind which wouldn’t rest until it got to the bottom of it all. This longing led me to make a lot effort to try to relieve the pain of it. However, every time I began practicing some technique, although it felt good that I was actively trying hard, after some time I would start to feel frustrated. My mind wanted obvious results in a path where there seemed to be no end in sight. I would never be a perfectly calm Buddha who never felt pain or fear. My mind would never shut up. It all seemed so unrealistic.
One could say that perhaps I didn’t try hard enough or I was too undisciplined, but the truth is that I never truly believed that the answer was in making so much effort. I always had a sense that it was simple. Longing and curiosity led me to try a lot of different techniques and practices, and each time I, either quickly got the point of it and moved on, or realized that this was only going to create yet another dreamy experience which would again fade after some time. More and more I was able to discern for myself that these practices were not providing any permanent rest or relief.
I do feel that I grew and learnt a lot from that time. I discovered a lot about who I thought I was. I learnt to open up to people, to speak what I felt to be true, and to express my feelings. However the main thing that I learnt during this time was how unreliable thought is. I looked at the nature of thought and realized that it can never find what I was really looking for.
Trying to improve myself was a continuous self-obsession. What are my issues? What are my problems? Why am I like I am? I was walking around in a bubble of ‘poor me’. It was a vicious circle because any technique or trying to get out of it was only reinforcing that I was someone in a separate bubble with my problems. Each layer of conditioning or belief that was seen through, was claimed as mine. Every time I had some kind of insight or glimpse, thought would assume that this was now a permanent state (which would be devastating when it naturally changed) and make it mean something about me.
It was only through questioning once and for all, ‘who’ is practicing or who even needs to practice, that you could say, I found that the resting place that I had been looking for, was and had always been right here. But the problem was that it was not a place or any kind of experience that I could grasp hold of and put a label on for ‘me’. Really recognizing that every experience comes and goes in who I am was about losing every experience – dying. Seeing that the whole bubble of ‘me’ was completely made-up, meant that ‘I’ was never going to find the permanent resting place or relief from all that pain. What a disappointment for ‘me’! I was faced with the reality that this is the way it is whether thought likes it or not.
Practice is a way of avoiding feeling the reality of what is, which can often be uncomfortable. If I feel pain or anxiety, thought will try to do anything to fix it, change it, just ‘witness it’ or practice anything which has the goal of making it go away. But seeing the futility of thought and that there is no one here who needs the experience to be any different, all that is left is the actual raw painful sensation. There is no escape from it as it is. This is the reality and all the trying and hoping can not do anything about that. A sense of longing or a feeling that there is something missing can be very painful, but this is the way it is.
While you still feel to practice and work on yourself, there is the hope that things will improve in some way. This message is a message of no more hope. It is the end of the road, the end of the spiritual path. It is a devastating message when it is really heard. But it is only heard when it is heard. Even while you are trying to hear it, you are still imagining that when you finally hear it, ‘my’ experience will improve. It is not like that at all. But don’t just believe what I am saying. You need to find this out for yourself. Try everything. Make as much effort as you can to improve your life. Don’t leave any stone unturned. Make sure that you have no doubt that if you had tried harder or meditated longer that that would have led you somewhere. Don’t just believe or agree with non-dual words and concepts. If you do not see that it is your direct experience then you must do whatever you can to reconcile that.
Looking back I realize that I did not seem to have the maturity at the time to really ask the question ‘who am I?’ and face the truth that that question is pointing to. I had to practice and make as much effort as I could in order to try to satisfy that deep longing. I had to try it all in order to see for myself that it was not the way and did not hold all the answers. If someone would have told me that all that practice and effort was just a waste of time, I would not have believed them. I needed to do it. I needed to explore and have those experiences and insights for myself so that I could experience the not-finding the answer in each practice.
If we drop the question of whether or not practice is necessary for a moment, to ask the more relevant question – who am I (and I am not talking about the practice of enquiry)? Who is here right now? If I believe that I am someone who owns my problems and my suffering and my mind, then I will believe that I need (or could) do something to make a change in my life. But seeing that in fact there is no one here living a life at all, then the question of whether or not practice is necessary, becomes irrelevant.
I am not suggesting that you don’t practice if you feel it is necessary. In answer to the question of whether there is any point in practice, I would say that as long as you feel that it is necessary, then it is necessary. But if you are ready to lose all hope and see that there is no escape from reality, then stop and ask yourself who needs any practice?
Unmani
